shygirlvalerie

I picked up a book yesterday that I hadn't read since high school, and it was sort of neat to read some of it again and understand it differently than I did before. I think that I've sort of gained a second set of eyes, since my life circumstances have changed. Things that have happened strike me in such a way that they never did before, when the scope of my life-experiences took up so much less space.

Of course, I missed having high school instruction, since I found literature then to be an escape from real life. I devoured it and was constantly hungry for more. My mind was much more attuned to plot elements and symbolism, and the "so-what", the underlying truth in any given piece of writing. Now, I've grown lazy in my understanding of things, and I've forgotten so much. I'm sad that some of my passion for the written word is gone. Maybe it's just buried underneath the day-to-day, more immediate concerns. I do wish I had the means to disappear into books, again. The real world seems so harsh and unforgiving.

Wow, am I bad at keeping my word! (I don't think I am in actuality... just on here. If that makes sense...) I haven't written in longer than I care to take note of. :P

Anyway, my sister is getting married, which is awesome except for a couple of things:

1) I don't want to be fat at her wedding, but I will be.
2) The traveling part is going to KILL me (all I can think of is how squished my legs get in plane)
3) I am scared of meeting people, which I will be, if the groom's family is present. Actually, I haven't even met the groom! I'm sure he's a nice guy. Allison has good taste in the menfolk. ;)

BUT I do realize that this will be her time, not mine, and I am actually excited by the knowledge that I will be putting someone else's needs before my own. Very cheesy of me, I know. More later!

I've decided (quite spontaneously) to try to keep my journal more than I have in the past months. I can't remember now why I stopped in the first place.

I'm reading a book that I got from the Mütter Museum gift shop (along with a nice skull-mug for Heath) called "The Dying Game: A Curious History of Death". It's really good, so far!




Think what you will ;)

Today I feel like.... I don't know. Like I might want to die. I wouldn't write that except that I know that no one is actually reading it, and even if there were someone, who would stop me? Who *could* stop me?

I was just reading a few of the blogs by some of the perfect LDS sisters in my ward, and the realization that I try to keep at bay in the periphery of my life, of my view of the world, dawned on me with the ferocity and crushing guilt that it always does: these people, these women, are better than I am. They are skinnier, prettier, better at having children, keeping house, attending school and church, keeping a job, keeping in touch with family, keeping control of their weight, their moods, their schedules, making the perfect meals, having a large group of friends, having some undeniable talent in addition to all these things... and here I am, flawed, awkward, ugly, unintelligent, uneducated, and, basically, dead to the world in the areas that matter. It makes me wonder why I bother doing anything, really; who am I to ever feel deserving of love or praise or a kind look, or indeed, even to *breathe*, when I haven't earned it? I'm like.... I'm like that little bit of dirt or filth that gets tracked, unintentionally and unnoticed, onto the carpet after coming out of the cold. No one notices me, wants me, values me, or even sees me. I'm not sure I want to be seen, though. I'm not sure I want to be fooled into believing that I might be an actual person, that I might have some shred of worth inside me. I don't ever want to be fooled that way again. So all those women who excel in so many ways, who are the very image of a daughter of God, have surely won His favor. And a piece of filth has no reason to be among them.

I am so, so tired of not being a mom and aching for it so badly.

Went to New Orleans, went to a concert and the zoo, came back.

Have new pictures and junk at my flickr account, a link for which is posted somewhere in an earlier entry (I think!) ...

Too lazy/tired/moody to post more specific and interesting things.

Back later.

Well, in case I didn't mention it before, my new job is taking care of two kids, ages three and one, on weekdays from 8:30 to 3:30. So far it's tough, but it has been really rewarding, since I've missed working in childcare!

So far, we've done the following activities :

-paper bag puppets
-macaroni necklaces and construction paper pictures
-paper masks
-"fishing" with paper fish affixed with magnets
-regular activities like play-dough and coloring

These things are all generally done by the three year old, since Avery (the one year old) is too young to appreciate or handle any activities like that..and I have to say, I'm running out of ideas for new activities! I've been thinking of doing sticker pictures or buying some beanbags for them to throw around, but it's hard to find relatively cheap and easy ideas for things to keep them occupied! Any ideas?!

I am home (and I miss my parents terribly!)but I'm very sick.

More about that later, when I have energy to type.

I'm so tired of not being able to afford to live. Is there anyone else who wants money from us, or have we got the world pretty much covered?!

I totally took living with my parents for granted.

I AM: in a constant state of in-between

I WANT: to run up and down these halls and not care if someone stares.

I HAVE: a multitude of blessings and too little gratitude

I WISH: that I could will even my tiniest dreams into reality and live them without a reason to be ashamed.

I HEAR: city sounds, in this New Orleans-flavored moment. In moments past and surely moments to come, I hear profundities from the unappreciated, beautiful words from those who are too often overlooked.

I SEARCH: for joy, as everyone does, for higher meaning, for beauty in everyday happenings, for peace and purpose.

I WONDER: about everything and, above all, everyONE.

I REGRET: not appreciating Jenny more, when she lived. I regret being too scared to live in my adolescent years, and not keeping a journal sooner, if only for myself.

I LOVE: my husband and family, and my few great friends. I ALSO LOVE ice cream, cereal and fruit roll-ups.

I ALWAYS: say things I don't mean, and keep the things I mean to say buried deep within myself.

I AM NOT: a fan of confrontation, because I am not capable of standing my ground.

I DANCE: when I'm alone, but with a restraint that I wish I didn't feel the need for.

I SING: to myself, almost all the time.

I CRY: more often than I used to.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: a sensible person, and I am not always pleasant.

I WRITE: because I love to, and because , speaking, I falter, fumble, and betray my thoughts and feelings.

I WIN: when I can sleep without ugly dreams and racing thoughts.

I LOSE: just about every board game I play---but I still love them!

I CONFUSE: myself, and probably everyone who has known me for any substantial amount of time. I am a study in contradictions :)

I NEED: to feel tangible and valid.

I SHOULD: get dressed and plunge into life outside the hotel, but... eh.

Today I went to the fabric store (no one tell Heath!) and this woman let me use her discount card. What a sweet thing to do! It perked my mood right up and made me feel a little better about people around me (not that I tend to dislike them in the first place) .

Valerie loves a bargain.

Today I took advantage of the beautiful afternoon on the Outside and I took a walk.

That in itself is a noteworthy feat for today, in my book, but what was especially interesting was what I saw on the way, as I clumsily tripped and galloped along the badly-paven road behind a nearby store.

I was nearing the front of the store when a van pulled alongside me.It seemed much more a battered, unremarkable tin can on wheels than an automobile, the words "Mississippi State Hospital:Psychiatric and Chemical Dependency Services" scrawled in white across the side. This caught my attention, and I found myself staring at it a little as it passed. Then my eye caught the funereal gaze of a woman inside. Her hair pulled carelessly back from her face, her mouth drawn down at the corners, she reminded me of a certain part of myself.

I felt overcome, all of a sudden, with the strongest urge to hug her, as is often my silent inclination in situations like these. I wanted to shield her from the world, to tell her that whatever it was in her set of personal circumstances that rendered her eyes dark and morose would one day be okay again. I wanted to fix things for her, to take away the pain that she so obviously felt. I'm not sure what her struggles must have been, inside that van, inside that self, but her sadness hung in the air long after the van had rumbled past.

I can't help but hope that she finds some sort of solace, somewhere.

In spite of my impending (and sure-to-be-stressful) therapy appointment tonight, I am in a very good mood. It has been a reasonably productive day, and I feel much less ill and run-down than I did yesterday or the day before. (KNOCK ON WOOD!)

Wrote out Christmas cards, cleaned, and made some to-do lists and church brainstorming lists. It feels really nice (and not to be squandered or taken for granted,surely) not to have anything pressing or hugely important hanging over my head. Of course, my feeling of confidence is probably unfounded and no doubt means that there's something monumental that I'm forgetting. But if and until the time comes that I should be made aware of such a thing, I'm going to bask in blissful ignorance and ease of mind!

Wish me luck (again) on this appointment.

Here are five things I'm grateful for today:

1. My ugly flourescent kitchen lights finally got changed.
2. Today is a day that is both sunny and breezy, brisk and inviting.
3. Heath got something in the mail that he has been waiting for.
4. I'm finally starting to feel less ill and achy.
5. No one has called my cell phone today.

My doctor appointments are today... wish me luck.

Today I'm going to have trouble getting through the door and to The Outside. I can tell that already :(

Today is another day that has me feeling like this...

I am so frustrated. Why is it that when I'm tired and bored and run-down, I can't sleep a wink?

This is getting really, really old.

I'm tired of not having friends.

I wish I had someone to talk to, and I wish I could be someone to talk to, for someone else.

Dear Laird,
I am so surprised over your silence regarding to your inheritance,
following your non compliance to my earlier mail to you for
the past one month regarding to your late relative Engr.
Martin Laird, who died in 2002.I wish to notify you that the governing council of our security company
have put up a notice for immediate payment of this funds and as such
you are entitled to your late relative fund which have accrued to
US$6.3Million over years deposited with our branch (trust fund company.).
On reciept of your response with your full details i will properly
guide you on the procedure we will embark on to facilitate the
easy release of this funds for our mutual benefit.

Respond to my private email: munagborie1@walla.com

MR Muna Gborie.
(Account adviser)

Is it weird to anyone else that girls have taken to wearing pants or opaque leggings under their dresses?

I was thinking about that while I was getting dressed to exercise. I wouldn't be surprised if the next step turned out to be shorts over jeans, or something.

No. Not that. Because that, *that* would be weird.